Husband doesn’t defend me - will it ever get better? - Overbearing MILs | Forums | What to Expect (2023)

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Husband doesn’t defend me - will it ever get better? - Overbearing MILs | Forums | What to Expect (1)

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bbybliss

I’m at a loss. I’m not sure what to do at this point. I’ve never been good enough for my husbands family but everything became way worse after our son was born. They constantly accuse me of things I haven’t done.

My husband chose not to invite one of his sisters to our wedding - apparently that was my fault. He told them it was his mistake but they still think it was me.

The midwife told us not to have visitors for two weeks after our son was born. When he was three days old, one of his sisters accused me of withholding DS from their family and then sent a long list of reasons their family hates me. Again husband explained, they didn’t care.

I struggled with PPD with my first child so it was important to me that I have a peaceful 4th trimester with this new baby. My husband knew this. He knew how scared I was of getting ppd again.

They also accused me of being abusive to my husband which is so far from the truth. When this all started my husband and I only had small arguments - we have always been respectful towards each other.

I didn’t have any contact with them for 7 months after my son was born. They would still say and do things to upset me during this time and my husband would try to force me to see them.

My husband has never wanted me to defend myself. He wants me to just smile and ignore things. I did that for two years but once my son was born, I finally defended myself. It made things 10 times worse. Because I didn’t ignore the comments, he got so angry with me. He blamed me for everything. Once he reflected on the situation, he apologized. He acknowledged he had been a bad husband and promised to do better. Every time they did something it was the same cycle - gets angry at me - apologizes and promises to support me next time - doesn’t support me - gets angry at me - apologizes ......

Today we had a small gathering in our backyard (which is allowed where I am). One of his sisters showed up uninvited. I told him that he needs to ask her to leave. He didn’t. I asked again. He didn’t. So I went inside the house until she left because I was shaking so badly. He was so upset with me. He said he couldn’t be mean to her because she took care of him and babysat him when he was younger. I am so floored. He could have whispered in her ear ‘I love you but this is upsetting my wife, please leave’. He knows my home is my safe space and that I absolutely don’t want his family here anymore.

At this point I don’t know what to do, it’s clear the problem is my husband. He puts them first and never has my back. So what do I do now? Has anyone else been through this and managed to overcome it? I would like to get to the point where I am cordial with his family but I don’t trust them anymore. Has anyone rebuilt trust with in-laws? Will my husband ever stick up for me or am I wasting my time?


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Bii815

Yup, this is my husband. I once agreed to visit with his family on ONE condition: they are not allowed to walk out of the room with LO, and my husband needed to make sure of this. He agreed. So the day came and within 5 minutes of MIL getting her hands on LO she gets up and walks away with LO, I told my husband to go get LO back, I can't constantly be running after MIL to get my LO from her. He got annoyed with ME and called me crazy! So I had to go get LO back so that I could put her down for her nap.

I went to counseling with my husband, they told him that he HAS to have my back when it comes to parenting decisions or it won't work, MIL will think that it's her right to take off with LO however she chooses and do whatever she likes with LO and I will never be respected as a mother. If he doesn't get on board very soon, I will have to divorce him, I can't be a good mother to LO when I'm being trampled all over by MIL. The inlaws were invited to a counseling session too, the therapist told us we have to honestly tell them to stop stomping on our boundaries, it's up to my husband now to tell them to show up.

(Video) If You're Doing This, Your Betrayed Spouse Is Losing Respect for You

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TwoToGetReady

@Bii815,

so great that you went to counseling - I haven’t seen many people actually post about being in counseling on here. Good for you, and I hope your DH figures it out and you both feel better setting boundaries.

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Bii815

@TwoToGetReady,

I actually booked my appointment thanks to the ladies on here. 😊

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galy5

counselling!

(Video) 10 Tactics to Put a Narcissist in Their Place

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Husband doesn’t defend me - will it ever get better? - Overbearing MILs | Forums | What to Expect (2)

NPickel

You two need counseling ASAP. He agrees to do one thing but does the opposite when faced with the situation. He also prioritizes his family’s feelings over yours. His family isn’t the issue, he is.

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PianoVigilante

If he won't do counseling, you could try changing your approach. SIL shows up uninvited? Take him aside and say, "I'm feeling so anxious and scared about her being here. Can you please help me?" Maybe don't tell him how to handle it, just be vunerable with him. He was vunerable when he said why he didn't want to kick her out. So you could respond with, "She helped you then, which I am so thankful for. Can you please help me now and pass on that kindness?"
And if he completely fails you, later tell him without anger (if at all possible) that his response didn't make you feel safe and ask him what he can do different next time to help you.
A good man will respond with wanting to protect you. An A hole will ask you to fix your problems and just deal with the in-laws. I think if you married an A hole, then you may have to start having consequences for his inaction. Example: SIL shows up. You ask husband for help. He fails. You say to the group, "I'm glad you're having a good time. I'm going to step out for a while." Take baby and leave. Don't come back until family is gone.
If husband gets angry, say, "Sweetie, if you won't protect me, I have to protect myself." Give him a kiss and walk away. Don't fight with him, just demonstrate how you want things to be and give consequences.

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BumbleBeeBaker

Something I've learned over the years is that people with toxic families have a really really hard time standing up to them. Its kinda like the cycle of abusive relationships where when things are good, they are very good so people try to ignore the bad. In this case I would say you should just step back. If your husband isn't going to stand up for you then you need to protect yourself by disconnecting from the situation. Don't respond to their text or calls, let husband deal with his family. If they throw a fit, don't engage, you owe them nothing of your time and energy. Be cordial when in person but don't interact with them for too long and don't expect the same in return. Be the better person and your husband will eventually begin to see how immature they. When he tries to force you to visit them, tell him no I've dealt with them for so many years now and have decided Im not going to put myself through that anymore. Leave it as a statement not as a topic of debate or discussion. Let him know he is free to go spend time with them but you will not.

I did that with my husband's family and he was upset at first because he felt it made it look him bad. When we were first married I was very naive and believed I could somehow "fix" my relationship with my inl-aws and get them to like me. They'd throw big parties all the time but made a point not to talk me because I was an outsider. But it was actually my grandma who told me flat out it wasn't worth it trying to impress people who act like bullies. Your inlaws don't have to like you and you don't have to like them. Yea it would be great if they did but some people are just a-holes and won't like you no matter what. So rather than let them bring you down focus on your own relationship with your husband and enjoy your life.

(Video) My Husband Won't Set Boundaries With His Ex

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chilaquil

Counseling.

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b

bbybliss

Thank you everyone for your responses. I’ve been going to counselling for 6 months but we have never gone together. It’s hard to go together because we don’t have a babysitter and our oldest is old enough to know what we are talking about. The problem lies 100% with him. He’s an ***. He expects me to just put up with everything. His family is very dysfunctional and toxic but this is normal to him. I’ve been wanting to leave the marriage since our youngest was born but I also felt like I had to give him time to change. I don’t think that’s possible now. I had a complete breakdown today and thought about taking my life. I’ve definitely realized that I need help for ppd and just want to stay far away from him and his family. He’s such a great husband and father in every other way - but his family brings out the worst in him. And I just don’t need to be around it anymore. Thank you for your responses. I appreciate them all.

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Bigfamilymummy

@bbybliss,

You need to tell him that. If you're at that point then you literally have nothing to worry about.

Please don't feel like taking your life, even if you don't feel worth it, your kids need you, imagine what their lives would be like without you... Your ils would have complete and utter control of their lives. I'm saying this because this is how I felt, but I stopped feeling this way when I thought about my kids... They need me way too much... Sometimes I feel like I'm not a good mother but as sad as that sounds I'm still better than his family and the other options are non options, my kids need me just like yours need you. Tell him what you told us, that thinking of dealing with his family is making you feel suicidal, that you love everything else about him but how he doesn't protect you from them. Then leave it at that, this can still work... But you need to go nc with them immediately. Sending you loads of hugs.

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(Video) Men aren't even trying anymore, and why should they?

t

thebugslife289

This was my husband for ten years except he would get mad, he would just ignore the situation all together. It’s SO frustrating. I finally HAD ENOUGH earlier this year before our third was born and told him the following...

1) I will no longer sit on the sidelines while you allow this to go on. Either you man up and say something or I will and I can promise you that when I say it’s not going to go over well. So you can either deal with it “your way” or I will deal with my way and then you will be forced into it too.

2) your parents will no longer see the kids without me or you around until we see a marriage counselor

3) I will not see them more than once a month for a couple hours at a time.

He doesn’t want to go to counseling so the kids just haven’t gone over there. (And well, coviod too). He’s mentioned dropping them off and such several times and I hold my ground each time. He’s finally realized that I’m serious this time (I’ve made threats before and have always caved) and has started speaking up a lot more.

I wish it didn’t come to the point where I had to make threats and feel like I’m parenting my own husband but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I have so much bent up resentment because of the lack of boundaries the last few years that I literally just snapped one day and haven’t looked back. I hope one day things can be better and we can all get together and actually enjoy our time together but I don’t see that happening for a long time.

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